My room smells like vodka and shame
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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