if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
