All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
