she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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