she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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