Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Randomize
