Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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