ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
