I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
