So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
