Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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