Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
