i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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