I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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