I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
