can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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