my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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