The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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