On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
