but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
