I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
no you cant smoke seaweed
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
