My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
