my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
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