I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
the liver wants what the liver wants
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
