woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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