i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
