So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Send us your Text From Last Night!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
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