this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
they need to just BURY HIM!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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