I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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