i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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