you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I checked into jail on foursquare
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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