i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
