I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
