Will you blow on my dice?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just had sex on a roof
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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