Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
