Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
