I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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