seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
