I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
