He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
