haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
