Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
