dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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