I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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