1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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