We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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