Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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