those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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