I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
