dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
