The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
