she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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