the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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