Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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