im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
