I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
