The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
