from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
