That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
