He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
