I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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