She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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